


A Jristake

by orphan_account



Category: jritter - Fandom
Genre: #JregHeffleyDay, Affairs, Blood and Injury, Body Horror, F/M, Gun Violence, Metastasis, Mutation, Other, Phallic Imagery, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:20:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jren Jrapiro is hatched out of Nabulangi's forehead and Marge fights to win back her jriancée.
Relationships: nabu & jrapiro
Kudos: 2





	1. Definition of Key Terms (Preface)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Jristake](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/710554) by The Collective Effort of Jroom. 



> This work was written by @marge2432, @jrapiro, @nanabanana6543, @knyaa_, @comradebaguette, @jrittercon2020 @fruitypassions to commemorate the culmination of Jren Jrapiro's character arc. It has been edited to match the standards of grammar expected of a respectable literary piece. Most instances of the use of "Jrenglish" have been substituted for their corresponding English counterparts. This abomination will by far outlive the machinations of Jritter itself and stain the proverbial earth for eons to come. Happy Jreg Heffley Day.

Abstract And Definition Of Key Terms:

This document aims to record the events that transpired between the persons Nabulangi, Jren Jrapiro, and Jrarge on September 26th, 2020. For the purposes of this paper, it is assumed that the reader has a basic understanding of Jrenglish, Jritter, and Ben Shapiro. For the woefully uninitiated, a brief description of said terms will follow. Jrenglish (or Jreg English) is the language of Jritter. Jritter can be defined as Jreg Twitter, although the impact of Jreg on said twitter community is arguably no longer relevant. Ben Shapiro, the conservative talk show host and media sensation, has long been heralded as a memified figure on Jritter. Although this paper’s main goal is to explain the crursed events as they happened on the 26th of September, it will also serve as a time capsule of sorts for Jritter’s unique writing style for future generations to witness. It is also worth mentioning that, as this document is a colloquial piece, stitched together from multiple witness testimonies, there may be some conflicting information in the texts, as well as some redundancies and out of place/order details. This will be for future Jritter Historians to piece together more completely.

This is Jroom classic, adapted for new generations as it marked the beginning of the classic Jritterist Jrealism, a new subgenre of literature. Different to economic or legislative texts as the Constitutions and the Centricide-based fics or Realicfics most divided in actually serious and shock value like _Meat Grinder_. It's an important part of Jristory and the ages it represents.

(Jroom - Jreg zoom, a discord server for Jritter originally intended to be on Zoom)

[Read the original!](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QSCkdqiWYaz6iEWZwAvYK5Sg0m96ifVPa9pWCiOrW3U/edit)


	2. A Jristake

Marge had never felt so betrayed in her life.

How could her jriancée ever do this to her? She had just learned of the so-called “ironic” affair between her lover and… Jren Jrapiro. Horrifying.

It had all started after Nabulangi made a series of tweets _professing_ her love for the so-called conservative commentator and media personality, from his WAP parody to how he owns the libs, and his _hot takes_. Nabu was starstruck.

From the aftermath of the _simping_ _,_ a new figure, Jren Jrapiro was born, like a self-aware insult to nature, growing as a tumor-like protrusion and eventually tearing open the thin membrane that bound it to the fragile skin of the forehead of Nabulangi and bursting forth, drenched in greenish fluid derived from thehypodermis.

He had begun as a simple blood clot, nothing more than a few of Nabu's blood cells clumped together, a negligible abnormality; but they had suddenly begun to mutate as a result of her jrattraction to Jrapiro, bubbling and twisting and growing like cancer cells, until they began to mitose at an impossible rate. The resulting blockage of blood in Nabu's veins had caused her to collapse; she had been only half-conscious the entire time, but not even the drowsiness of an obscured blood flow could prevent her from feeling the indescribably agonizing pain manifesting in her forehead.

The cells in her vein exploded in size in less than five seconds, from a microscopic diameter of a few microns to a tenth of a meter. Nabu could see, through the haze of pain and weakness that threatened to overwhelm her, an arm; an infant's arm, which seemed to be sticking out of her own forehead, she noted with horror, which then grew into a man's arm in a split second.

She felt her forehead grow heavier and heavier, as the cancerous mass in her forehead continued to grow, and grow, and _grow,_ until finally, the membrane had broken, pouring blood and dead skin cells all over the ground, and gift-wrapped in that awful rubbery sac like a giant fleshy piece of chocolate in a wrapper made of translucent skin and clotted blood, was Jren Jrapiro, fully clothed and standing upright, and somehow looking extremely attractive . Ever _s_ ince then, neither Nabulangi nor the skin on her forehead had ever been the same.

Although Nabulangi had promised loyalty to Marge, she could not resist her jrurges. Soon the pair was having an affair, something Marge was not aware of, which is extra weird now that I think about it because Nabu had created Jren like a week before their affair started. It went so far, in fact, that within only a few weeks of Jrapiro’s affair, he was Jregnant. With what, we could not say. 

The Jrivorce Jrourt heard of Nabu and Shapiro’s affair and declared the two of them legally jrarried without either of the lovebirds' consent. The jramily tree was even updated in order to represent the union. Neither Nabulangi nor Jren Jrapiro were aware of this jrarriage. It was a jristake. However, even with all of this, Nabu remained unaware of the Jrarriage until this fateful night...

The lovebirds were spending a night together in their basement with their beloved chicken, which they'd named Bedevere, and the lady in the tub when everything began to go wrong.

Marge was shown a picture of the two and she immediately became emotionally distressed. How could her jriancèe, the love of her live, treat her like that?

Nabulangi tried to say that it was photoshop, or that the pictures were created in an ironic context, but it was not to be… even as Nabu was trying to explain away the incriminating photos, _Jren Jrapiro jrimself_ came into the equation, and in a morose tone, showed Marge the legal documents and recordings of the consultations, proving that Nabu was not only Jrarried to Jrapiro, but he was also somehow Nabu’s _jrother-in-law_. Even worse, Nabu now had three Jradopted children to deal with, and a fourth would be added _during_ the court proceedings. The arcane machinations of the jregal system had failed them again.

Bedevere crowed distressfully at the sight of the unfamiliar Jrapiro.

_Oh bunpiwo uwu sexy beast i awways knew i woved uwu. The gweasiness of youw haiw, youw smiwe, youw waugh. Aww give me massive waves of euphowia. Uwu give me joy, oh shapiwo oh._

_The blood stain remains on my floor, I cannot leave you for good. I smell your blood every night. Marge doesn't know, but I have quite the affinity for the smell of iron. I might infuse you into my cast iron skillets, if I have the time. It'll be my little special “ingredient” ;)_

Don't tell anyone but Shapiro had several warts around his body that doctors couldn't diagnose. I didn't mind, even if the doctors begged me to stop. Every night we spill liberal tears on the warts to make them go away :)

Marge and Nabu seemed like the ideal couple at first but when Jren Shapiro tore Nabu's forehead open they had developed an irresistible chemistry, and a connection that ensured that as long as Nabu lusted after Shapiro, Jrapiro would endure.

Nabu and Jren tried to keep faithful but one after one fateful day Nabu became a Jrod and her love for Shapiro was too strong to resist, they met near the Heffnostate on a shitty-looking hotel, it looked to be from the 80's but had Nazi imagery splated all over it. They went to room 420 of the sixty-ninth floor exactly as they wanted.

_"Jren…"_

_"Nabu…"_

Not one fucking-planck time later, a unit of time so archaic and impractical that it had been replaced with the infinitely longer planck time, started to taste each other’s nice family cooking.

Jrapiro brought an ice cream cake and Nabu brought like a hotdog or something.

Jrapiro ate this hotdog slowly and sensually, in the most suggestive manner the human mouth and tongue were capable of in unison. He didn’t even start chewing the hotdog until ten minutes after his tongue had first touched the long meaty culinary rod.

First his tongue had licked the tip of the hotdog, relishing the chemically induced flavor of the uncomfortably phallic sac of meat. Then he began to suck on it lightly, draining it of the few drops of water it contained on one end and replenishing them with that of his own saliva as he passed the hotdog back and forth between his lips. Afterwards he gently bit off the tip of the hotdog, and chewed it up slowly with jaw movements disproportionate to its size.

It was at this point that Nabulangi became very fascinated by a cockroach on the wall, the cockroach being an infinitely more comfortable sight to look at than whatever the fuck Jren Jrapiro was doing with that poor likeness of a cock. Two uncomfortably sexual hours of Jren Jrapiro slowly kissing, sucking, deepthroating and moaning on the hotdog elapsed before he was finally finished with it; Nabulangi had to physically intervene to stop Jren Jrapiro from sticking the warm, spit-covered hotdog up his own jrass.

“Only once,” They thought. but once became twice, and twice became almost constant infidelities. Everyone was happy for a little bit, and Nabu even introduced Jrapiro to Marge (only as a friend, to keep the illusion), but Marge became suspicious of Nabu, and one day followed her to a small rural house. It was a normal innocuous house, painted white with floral patterns on the windows, but the events that would transpire in this house would cause so much more pain than the tacky decorations ever could.

The house was locked, but Marge was so desperate to find out what happened that she shattered a window, using only her arm and the pure brute force of an anxious lover, resulting in some cuts and bruises, but more importantly, an entrance to the house. She had cuts on her face and body from the impact against the floor, but she didn’t feel a thing, all that mattered to her was that Nabu was safe.

 _Surely those Heffleyists_ _must have blackmailed her!_ She said to herself as she opened that door upstairs…

”Oh Jren I lov-” Nabu said as her act was interrupted by her jriancèe.

"Nab-Nabu?” Marge said sorrowfully. The wounds didn't hurt more that what she just saw.

”I CAN EXPLAIN,” Nabu tried to say in vain, but it was too late. Marge had seen what had happened. 

Marge looked down, tears in her eyes. She thought that she had finally found someone who loved her, who cared about her. But maybe it was all just a lie. She thought what she had with Nabu was real, tangible, but maybe it was just all of the irony poisoning from months of Jreg viewing and Jritter getting to her brain. Was their whole relationship really ironic, as forced and contrived as the nature of the Jrapiro that had destroyed it? No, it couldn’t be. 

Marge, seeing the horrors that the night had brought, ran away, and leapt back through the broken window, onto the hard, gravelly ground and into the night. She, like Jrapiro Nabu and Jren were left alone after that, and knew things would drastically change.

“Maybe it was for the better,” Jrapiro said, trying to console Nabu.

“NO JREN NO FUCKING WAY,” she shouted back, the full reality of her actions only now dawning on her in cascading waves of regret, remorse, and pain.

Nabu cried out tears all over the bed, she really did love Marge but all she did was damage others by her need for love.

"Nabu, there's a way to fix this,” Jrapiro suggested. “I exist for you, and if you cannot exist happily with me, and cannot be happy as long as I haunt this earth, then we can end this.”

Jren gave a gun to Nabu — a Nerf Strike Elite Edition. 

Apprehension crept up Nabu’s eyes as she looked down at the weapon. 

“Shoot me and all of this will be over, Nabu.” Tears automatically sprang up in Nabu’s eyes as she couldn’t bear the thought of having to commit deathism to Jren. A lump formed in her throat. _No,_ she thought, _this cant be happening._ Not now.

“JREN YOU ARE ALL I HAVE LEFT!” she cried out, desperation lining her voice as she pleaded with Jren, the biological monstrosity she’d formed in her bloodstream through sheer willpower of her Ben Shapiro simping. Her heart was torn, her spirit unable to commit to either of her jroves. Jren looked up at her, resigned. He knew that Nabu couldn’t split her heart. He knew that she loved Marge. He knew that she would be happier with her. All he wanted was that. Her happiness.

”Sorry Nabu, but I love you so much, I have to stop hurting you, maybe in other lives we will be happier. You deserve to be with Marge. Hell, our very first words were you expressing disgust at my creation. This was never meant to be. I’m sorry you have to see this…” And with that, Jrapiro did something that he could not take back.

He picked up the Nerf, and shot himself three times until he no longer had the bodily function required to shoot himself further.

For now, it appeared that he had died, his beautiful, finely chiseled jawline laying in pieces on the floor, his libtard-destroying vocal cords shredded and disconnected to the rest of him, his massive logic-filled brain splattered over the walls, floor, and the bed of their sin. He was, to any simple observer, dead. And while as time would show he was not truly dead yet, it could not be denied that his body was in shambles, he had no more power, and his corporeal form was utterly destroyed with no hope of resuscitation.

Nabu called 991 regardless, all tears while doing RCP to what amounted to a corpse, her efforts only serving to further damage the husk that occupied the space that her loved had, moments before.

But, for now, it was over. Nabu, despite being quite literally covered with the entrails of the past, had a new future to look forward to with Marge, and while Jrapiro and their relationship would not ever leave her head, especially considering their later reunion, for now she had the opportunity to forget that all and start again, adding her and Marge’s name to the Jramily tree, tied together with that beautiful blue bond of Jrarriage.

The End(…?)

(stop here if you want a happy [but incomplete] ending)


	3. A Jrending

However, a happy ending was not yet in sight. Despite the best efforts of Jrapiro, to sacrifice himself for the good of Nabu and Marge’s relationship, it didn’t turn out well.

Marge and Nabu were still set to be Jrarried, but the existence of Jrapiro haunted over them, in more ways than one. Nabu still had the Jrapiro Jrildren to deal with, alongside Paige, whom she had now inherited guardianship of. And, most importantly… Jrapiro was not yet dead. His life was tied to Nabu’s attraction to Shapiro, and even as she wrote his eulogy, she still took time to complement Shapiro’s face. And, through these small lingering attractions, Jrapiro would live on, and have time to re-form. However, as later time would tell, he did not re-form as the caring, loving Jrapiro that had sacrificed himself for Nabu, but rather a new being, the Jrapiro Collective, which found itself allying with the Heffleys, and starting to wage a new Jreligious war… but perhaps that’s a story for another day.

* * *

Epilogue

It was a beautiful day in Jritterstate. The wars had stopped for some time and the wounds of the country were being repaired, Nabu and Marge were just drinking coffee at Starbucks with their relationship mended, or so it seemed at first glance.

Nabu still loved Jren after all this time but it was too late to go back in time when she could have gotten just with Jren or stopped the first affair from happening, the fact that she couldn't decide was proof that some things are inevitable.

Back at Jrens grave Nabu picked some sunflowers and said her final words to him, hoping he would hear, while looking at the ring he gave to her.

Neither of them could see the other, neither knew if the other was even alive, and neither could bear to think about it. Their story was far from over, but for now, it seems that it had reached a point of peace, while the next disaster grew on the horizon.

Soon, Nabu would have to deal with the Heffleys again, the re-emergence of Jrapiro, and most importantly, their ILL-CONCEIVED CHILD, STILL FORMING WITHIN JRAPIRO. But that was yet to come, and for now, all there was that mattered was a torn and broken Nabu, visiting the grave of a departed loved one.

"The saddest people shit the hardest," she said, and broke down crying (and shitting) from the pain.

  
  
  
  


The tale was like no other; the scandal unsustainable. Whispers flooded the feed as each (poor, unfortunate) Jritterer attempted to make sense of the impossible. Nabulangi marked her downfall; an ironic legacy, in a way. 

Now marks the end of the Era Of The Jruckholds; but only the start of _Jreligious War II,_ and it all began with A Night To Remember, A Night… Of Jristakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WORKS CITED
> 
> Me  
>  Boy, Fetus. “A Continuation of a Beautiful Relationship @Nabulangi_ Pic.twitter.com/DTVvol3xd8.” Twitter, Twitter, 26 Sept. 2020, twitter.com/lordoapple/status/1309997189792509952.  
>  Boy, Fetus. “The Jrending to Nabu x Jrapiro Pic.twitter.com/wlh3yA1O0m.” Twitter, Twitter, 27 Sept. 2020, twitter.com/lordoapple/status/1310076862127841281?s=20.  
>  Grandday. “Ben Shapiro WAP .” Ben Shapiro WAP, Youtube, 10 Aug. 2020, www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWsx2iqO1ks.  
>  Jrapiro, Jren "Home Wrecker". “Uh I Have Some Bad News Pic.twitter.com/BlBhRnJwDg.” Twitter, Twitter, 27 Sept. 2020, twitter.com/jrapiro/status/1310056528397979648.  
>  jritter, Marge on. “Emotionally Betrayed Rn, Jriancee Isn't Being Faithful, Dhmu.” Twitter, Twitter, 27 Sept. 2020, twitter.com/margejritter/status/1310059059631001600.   
>  Catboy, Nico. “just heard about the affair. cant believe this”. Twitter, Twitter, 27 Sept. 2020, https://twitter.com/mossybug_/status/1310370780908224512. 
> 
> THY comic of sadie  
> Shit made up by @jrittercon2021 rn for drama, wrote part of the 2bad fanfix :)


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